Thirteenth Poem

I have a terrible and short memory,
But if I close my eyes tight enough
If I really wanted to hurt myself
I can remember the day I wanted to erupt.

The way my mother's words trembled,
The way I curled into the corner,
The way we all roamed the house in such silence,
That I couldn't get any words in order.

When they told me that Rudy died
I amazingly did not think of the worst.
All I thought about was his generous smile
That even greed could never coerce.

I didn't expect all the hatred
I didn't expect to feel so cold
But once you learn the truth
It's not hard for it to start to mold.

If I ever thought home was a paradise,
The fantasy immediately left my side
Once I found out that he was a victim
Of gang violence, nothing but criminal mind.

Now you can argue with me on this,
I won't push your perspective ashore,
But I will be honest with you
The hatred has never left, that's for sure.

If I could describe to you the details,
Believe you me you would ask me to stop
Because Rudy's smile was never the same
Once that idiot ruined it with three blops.

Since that day I've tried to understand,
I have even taken the academic perspective,
But if this story tells you anything
It's that the emotions start to take momentum.

Since childhood, I have been told to forgive
I have been told that people make mistakes.
But when I think about his bleeding smile
The Christian in me seems to escape.

Yet as I look towards the heavens
In an attempt to see Rudy's face again
I instead find myself asking God,
"What faith is there left to mend?"

I have heard too many tragic stories
That involve loss, escape and fear,
Which have turned lives into survival and
Tomorrows which are never made clear.

I have finally begun to organize my words,
Something I've attempted since 2011,
But the memories are still hard to swallow
Even though I know Rudy's in heaven.

I will remember that even the most precious souls
Are never granted special favors
Even when living in the land known
To belong to the Lord and The Savior.

Twelth Poem

(Alternative title: For when you say that you have nothing)

It can be so easy to fall into this cycle. 

It can be so easy to notice the traffic, 

The litter, 

The almost black exhaust, 

The cracks in the street that shake the never-ending Monday morning. 

It can be so easy to notice these things first. 

It can be so easy to stress about the mess,

The heartbreak,

The waiting nights, 

The never appearing message that says that you didn't mess up.

It can be so easy to stress in these thoughts.

It can be so easy to forget the tragedy of the sky

That can somehow also be the sign of a new day. 

That there are already people

Who have a piece of their hearts in their hands just for you. 

It can be so easy to forget that 

The glass does not have to be 

Half full or half empty, 

But instead refillable. 

It can be so hard to realize 

That some of the things in front of us

Have been ours for as long as we can remember. 

It can be so hard to admit 

That you are wrong when you say, "I have nothing."

Eleventh Poem

I have never wanted to scream
So loud in my life.
I have never broken down on the road
To finally arrive home and sob.
I have never seriously considered
Ending everything...
Until this last weekend.

I have never felt so accompanied
Yet so empty inside.
I have never thought of nothing
To only have something itching in my mind.
I have never seriously considered
Writing some like this...
Until this last weekend.

I have never felt so helpless,
I have never felt so useless,
I have never felt so pointless,
I have never felt so pathetic,
I have never felt so troubled,
I have never felt so far away,
I have never felt so alone,
Until this last weekend.