Thirteenth Poem

I have a terrible and short memory,
But if I close my eyes tight enough
If I really wanted to hurt myself
I can remember the day I wanted to erupt.

The way my mother's words trembled,
The way I curled into the corner,
The way we all roamed the house in such silence,
That I couldn't get any words in order.

When they told me that Rudy died
I amazingly did not think of the worst.
All I thought about was his generous smile
That even greed could never coerce.

I didn't expect all the hatred
I didn't expect to feel so cold
But once you learn the truth
It's not hard for it to start to mold.

If I ever thought home was a paradise,
The fantasy immediately left my side
Once I found out that he was a victim
Of gang violence, nothing but criminal mind.

Now you can argue with me on this,
I won't push your perspective ashore,
But I will be honest with you
The hatred has never left, that's for sure.

If I could describe to you the details,
Believe you me you would ask me to stop
Because Rudy's smile was never the same
Once that idiot ruined it with three blops.

Since that day I've tried to understand,
I have even taken the academic perspective,
But if this story tells you anything
It's that the emotions start to take momentum.

Since childhood, I have been told to forgive
I have been told that people make mistakes.
But when I think about his bleeding smile
The Christian in me seems to escape.

Yet as I look towards the heavens
In an attempt to see Rudy's face again
I instead find myself asking God,
"What faith is there left to mend?"

I have heard too many tragic stories
That involve loss, escape and fear,
Which have turned lives into survival and
Tomorrows which are never made clear.

I have finally begun to organize my words,
Something I've attempted since 2011,
But the memories are still hard to swallow
Even though I know Rudy's in heaven.

I will remember that even the most precious souls
Are never granted special favors
Even when living in the land known
To belong to the Lord and The Savior.

Twelth Poem

(Alternative title: For when you say that you have nothing)

It can be so easy to fall into this cycle. 

It can be so easy to notice the traffic, 

The litter, 

The almost black exhaust, 

The cracks in the street that shake the never-ending Monday morning. 

It can be so easy to notice these things first. 

It can be so easy to stress about the mess,

The heartbreak,

The waiting nights, 

The never appearing message that says that you didn't mess up.

It can be so easy to stress in these thoughts.

It can be so easy to forget the tragedy of the sky

That can somehow also be the sign of a new day. 

That there are already people

Who have a piece of their hearts in their hands just for you. 

It can be so easy to forget that 

The glass does not have to be 

Half full or half empty, 

But instead refillable. 

It can be so hard to realize 

That some of the things in front of us

Have been ours for as long as we can remember. 

It can be so hard to admit 

That you are wrong when you say, "I have nothing."

Eleventh Poem

I have never wanted to scream
So loud in my life.
I have never broken down on the road
To finally arrive home and sob.
I have never seriously considered
Ending everything...
Until this last weekend.

I have never felt so accompanied
Yet so empty inside.
I have never thought of nothing
To only have something itching in my mind.
I have never seriously considered
Writing some like this...
Until this last weekend.

I have never felt so helpless,
I have never felt so useless,
I have never felt so pointless,
I have never felt so pathetic,
I have never felt so troubled,
I have never felt so far away,
I have never felt so alone,
Until this last weekend.

Tenth Poem

I'm gonna write this one quick

Because I tend to regret everything I put down.

I feel lucky,

Angry,

Upset,

And regretful

All at the same time 

And I know it won't get better than that.

In the end, I blame myself

For my own confusion.

I should've picked up the hints..

If they were hints to begin with.

Or I should have questioned them.

I should've said that I had a great time, too.

I should've said that I couldn't wait to see you, too.

We were driving out of DC

And all I wanted to do was drive back

Hug you one last time.

Kissed you for the first time.

Even if you rejected me, it still would've been an answer.

It still would have let me sleep tonight.

But I'm laying in bed, months later,

Wondering where it went all wrong.

What did I do?

What did you do?

What did we ever mean?

To each other,

To you,

To me.

I miss you.

I miss my friend.

None of this was ever dramatic,

But it shook the earth for me.

It moved the ground below my feet.

I'm still wondering,

Did it for you?

Ninth Poem

You're a bad person.

I could call you a bitch,

Piece of shit,

Liar,

Fake,

But you are a bad person.

I can't believe I wasted my time

Believing that I trusted you.

I can't believe I fell for it.

It's true, 

We were never really friends

If it is so easy for you

To get rid of me.

Eight Poem

I am an open book.
My facial expressions sometimes
Come out in letters
And my body language
Can whisper in your ears.
I will cock my head to the side
When you say something ridiculous.
I will tap my foot continuously
When I am waiting my turn.
But lately,
I look people in the eye when they talk
And mostly when I am proving
My own point.
I saw my name with the meaning
It holds from previous centuries
Trying to bring my family history alive
In two syllables.
I wear leggings that
Curve against my thighs
To let you know that
I am proud to be a woman.
I let my hair loose to show life
That I am ready for it
To be a refreshing wind every morning.
I walk as tall as I can
To let everyone know that I am here
And that I'm feeling good.

Seventh Poem

If you've ever heard of the phrase
"You have to love yourself first
In order to love someone else,"
You either have to think it's
Right or wrong.
I've heard several opinions on both sides.
Wrong:
"Just because I don't love myself
Doesn't mean someone else won't
Love me."
Right:
"Self-confidence simply makes you
Into a stronger person."
I am one of the people who believes
That the saying is correct,
But for both the opinions already said.
Yes, you can find a partner
Who will love you.
And you will love them back.
With or without a high self-esteem,
Someone will love you for who you are.
Yes, self-confidence makes you bolder.
You can create an image for yourself
Without caring about other people's judgments.
You, too, can find someone who will love you.

"You have to love yourself first
In order to love someone else."
The quote...shouldn't end there.
It should go on to say,
"Because if that person ever
Stops loving you,
You won't forget to love yourself."
This, I think, is more accurate because
Heartbreak is unpredictable.
When you enter a relationship
Because you finally find
Someone who loves you just
For who you are,
When they build up your self-esteem
To make you feel like you are
A gift to oxygen and not the
Other way around,
When they are your only reminder
As to why you wake up every morning
With a smile on your face,
When they break your heart,
They can stop whispering
Confidence into your ear.
Not because it's no longer true,
But because sometimes people leave
And with them their lovely words.
There will be days when you will think
That they were the only ones that
Saw that strength, beauty,
Intellect, curiosity within you.
There will be times when you look
At yourself in the mirror
Wanting them to hug you from behind
To reassure you that you look amazing.
If they ever decide to stop
Telling you the truth everyday,
They will also walk over
The pieces you've become
To get to the door.

"You have to love yourself first
In order to love someone else.
Because if that person ever
Stops loving you,
You won't forget to love yourself...
For everything you are.
Warts and all."
Just because you love yourself
Doesn't mean you are perfect.
It's not easy to realize how great you are.
Most of us still compare ourselves
To photoshopped, unrealistic images.
Some disapprove their own timidness.
Some can count their regrets.
Some focus on their past.
If I had to start listing everything
I believe is wrong with me,
It would probably outnumber
The number of days that I thought
I loved him and that he may
Love me.
He was an unrequited love
And I'm glad it stayed that way
Because if he would had finally said it,
If he would have done something to
Bring us closer together,
I wouldn't have spent nights over thinking
Every detail about me.
"Is it because I look younger?
Is it because I'm short?
Is it because I'm curvy?
Is it because, when I laugh, I snort?"
After days of hating myself,
My angel of a best friend
Brought me back to reality.
After days of hating myself,
I actually started liking myself.
"Fuck yea, I look younger than my age.
I can score me some kid tickets.
Fuck yea, I'm short.
Just means I can sneak around easily.
Fuck yea, I'm curvy
Because these legs are meant to kick some ass.
Fuck yea, I snort when I laugh,
Because if it's funny, I deserve to laugh.
And fuck you, but also thank you for not realizing it
Before I did."
Because when you learn to value
Everything that you are,
Flaws and all,
And when love from someone else comes around,
You will know how to say hello,
You will know how to say
Goodbye if needed.
You will have a list of all your lovely traits,
And you can check them off one by one
As they recite each one
As if they were the original author.
And, hey, it's not bad if they add
A couple of their own, too.