Thirteenth Poem

I have a terrible and short memory,
But if I close my eyes tight enough
If I really wanted to hurt myself
I can remember the day I wanted to erupt.

The way my mother's words trembled,
The way I curled into the corner,
The way we all roamed the house in such silence,
That I couldn't get any words in order.

When they told me that Rudy died
I amazingly did not think of the worst.
All I thought about was his generous smile
That even greed could never coerce.

I didn't expect all the hatred
I didn't expect to feel so cold
But once you learn the truth
It's not hard for it to start to mold.

If I ever thought home was a paradise,
The fantasy immediately left my side
Once I found out that he was a victim
Of gang violence, nothing but criminal mind.

Now you can argue with me on this,
I won't push your perspective ashore,
But I will be honest with you
The hatred has never left, that's for sure.

If I could describe to you the details,
Believe you me you would ask me to stop
Because Rudy's smile was never the same
Once that idiot ruined it with three blops.

Since that day I've tried to understand,
I have even taken the academic perspective,
But if this story tells you anything
It's that the emotions start to take momentum.

Since childhood, I have been told to forgive
I have been told that people make mistakes.
But when I think about his bleeding smile
The Christian in me seems to escape.

Yet as I look towards the heavens
In an attempt to see Rudy's face again
I instead find myself asking God,
"What faith is there left to mend?"

I have heard too many tragic stories
That involve loss, escape and fear,
Which have turned lives into survival and
Tomorrows which are never made clear.

I have finally begun to organize my words,
Something I've attempted since 2011,
But the memories are still hard to swallow
Even though I know Rudy's in heaven.

I will remember that even the most precious souls
Are never granted special favors
Even when living in the land known
To belong to the Lord and The Savior.